A: Shoot one of them.

Q: Did you hear about the heavy metal player who locked his keys in the car?

A: He had to break the window to let the drummer out!

In the Heavy Metal Band of the future there will be two animals, a Heavy Metal "Musician" and a dog.   The "Musician" will be there to feed the dog, and the dog will be there to bite the "Musician" if he tries to play anything.

Q: What's the difference between Rock music and a machine gun?

A: The machine gun only repeats 10 times per second.

Q: What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?

A: No one cries when you cut up an Electric Guitar.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?

A: To escape the Heavy Metal Music.

Q: What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and a trampoline ?

A: You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Q: Why does an Electric Guitar Player leave his case on the dashboard ?

A: So he can park in the handicapped zone.

Q: What is a "nerd" ?

A: Someone who owns an Classical Guitar

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and an Electric Guitar?

A: You can tune a lawnmower.

Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

Q: If you were lost in the forest, who would you trust for directions?
1. Santa Claus,
2. An in-tune Heavy Metal player,
3. An out-of-tune Heavy Metal Player.

A: 3. Choice 1 and 2 indicate that you're hallucinating.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar ?

A: Add vibrato.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell you how much better they would have done it.

Q: What is a gentleman ?

A: Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.

Q: What is an optimist ?

A: A Heavy Metal Band with a beeper.

Q: What's the range for an Electric Guitar ?

A: About 20 yards if you have a good arm.

Q: How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune ?

A: If the strings are vibrating.

Q: Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile ?

A: Each is offensive and inaccurate.

Q: What does a Heavy Metal Musician use for birth control ?

A: His personality.

Q: How do you make an electric guitar sound like an acoustic guitar ?

A: Sit in back and don't play.

Q: What's the difference between an Electric Guitar player and a dog ?

A: The dog knows when to stop Howling.

Q: What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?

A: The Electric Guitar burns longer.

Q: Why did the bass player get angry with the lead guitarist?

A: The lead guitarist turned a string and wouldn't say which one.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: None. The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

Q: Why are concert intermissions limited to 20 minutes ?

A: So you won't need to retrain the singers.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a Porsche ?

A: Most musicians have never been a Porsche.

Q: How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb ?

A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO ?

A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

If you took all the Electric Guitar Players in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a heck of a good idea.

Q: If you drop an Electric Guitar Player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?

A: Who cares ?

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play more quietly ?

A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: What do vacuum cleaners and electric guitars have in common ?

A: When you plug them in, they suck.

Q: How many sound technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: One, two, three, one, two, three.

A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven.  St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

"This is Merle Travis' room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Merle Travis!"  "And this is Marcel Dadi's room..." and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room.  Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Hedges here?"  Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he needed to... spend time in Pergatory.  But he'll be along soon enough." 

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep.  He's woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing - a Harp Guitar - and it sounds just like Michael.  He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely.   Someone in the next room was now playing... it can't be .... a fingerstyle version of Pinball Wizard.  The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God.  He thinks he's Michael Hedges"

Q: How do you make a banjo player's car more aerodynamic? 

A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? 

A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.

A young boy and his mother are walking down the street and the boy turns to his mother and says "when I grow up I want to be a musician"
his mother replies "Now now son you cant do both"!

Q: How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?

A: His timing is terrible and he never knows when to come in!

Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?

A: The drummer is dribbling out of both sides of his mouth

Q: What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?

A: "God Almighty, this music sucks!!!"

Q: What do you call a deadhead that just broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless

A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.   Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.   As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.  Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.  He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.   Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.   Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.   Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner.

"No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Electric Guitar Player."

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza ?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How do you get an musician off your front step ?

A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down his amp ?

A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It doesn't matter - bass players are never in the light anyway.

Q: How many "deadheads" does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: They don't change it.  They just wait for it to burn out, and then they follow it around for 30 years.

Q: What does it mean when a drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ?

A: The stage is level.

Q: What do you call two electric guitarists trying to play in unison?

A: Counterpoint.

Q: What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an
augmented chord?

A: A demented chord.

Transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums.
       But if he's good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ' how did things go for you back on earth?' David says, 'not too bad.   I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another $100,000 from the insurance.'  'Great', says St Peter, 'what was it you did while you were alive?' ' Oh I was in Real estate.' 'Good, come on in' says the St.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. 'Yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things.   Good, come on in.

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. 'Yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gear is in the Pawn Shop, car's trashed, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.' 'Oh well', says St P. 'and which band was it that you played with?'

An electric guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory.  He especially has a hard time remembering correct time changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs.  Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the electric guitar player to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations.  After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him.  Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?"    The electric guitar player says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to drums..."

A fingerstyle guitarist (FG) is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie. 
"Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the FG.  "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you 3 wishes".  "But I must caution you" alerts the genie.
"And what's that?" asks the FG.
"Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist (EG) in the world will receive double" explains the genie.
"Not a problem" says the FG.
"Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master"
"$10 million in small bills" says the FG unhesitatingly.
"Good choice, Master" and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every EG in the world now has $20 million in their account.
"And your next wish, Master?"
"A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar and presto! right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen. And of course every EG now has 2 of these guitar's in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two.
"You've made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?" The FG thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney" ...

Q: What is the first sign you're Halluncinating?

A: Two electric guitar players are playing in tune.

Q: What do you call in "in-tune electric guitar"?

A: An oxymoron.

Q: What do you call a "Clean Shot"

        A: When you can throw an electric guitar into the toilet without hitting the seat.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?

A: The CD will eventually mature and make money.